I need to be honest with you guys. I am writing this post at 4am my time because I have yet to fall asleep. I am seriously at my wits end with this whole insomnia thing. I have had insomnia off and on now for 1 year. I can’t explain why it started, but my once restful nights of sleep have turned into restless fits of frustration.
I just don’t know how it happened.
It could be the stress of my last year of college. Along with a heavy work load, this is a pivotal time in my life and I don’t know the exact steps God wants me to take. However, when I am lying in bed trying to figure it out, I feel as though He is so far away from me. Like I ask questions and He doesn’t answer. I hate that feeling, and even though I know God is always there with me, I just can’t feel His presence when I am sleeplessThe more I think about how I need sleep and how much sleep is such a huge part of my health, the more I worry and feel guilty and shame myself for not sleeping. I count the hours until I give up and take Z Quil or something of that nature to help me sleep and I can’t stand that. Tonight, out of frustration and caution for my body’s well-being, I told myself that I would stop taking anything and just let my body be tired when it is tired.
That worked out well. 
I just always have so many things running through my mind that I can’t process. I feel so terrible because the arguments I have with myself in these late/early hours never end and seriously sound stupid if I were to ever write them down or say them out loud.
- What will I be doing after school?
- I have been in school so long, how do I live outside of it?
- What if I can’t find a job that I love?
- Do I even want to go to grad school?
- Am I smart enough and tough enough to live in the real world?
- I should really be adding mileage to my workout week.
- When am I ever going to run a marathon, let alone ever be good enough to run Boston?
Kevin will be mad at me after reading this post because I usually call him when I can’t sleep, so babe, I am sorry I didn’t call you. But I just can’t bare to make his night of sleep horrible too. I’m so blessed to have someone to call at these horrible hours. No matter what, he always calms me down. But I know I have to face my demons, whatever they are, myselfI know I need to reach out for help, and I promise I will. I just felt like I needed to be honest with you guys. Maybe I am just overreacting because it is finals week and I have a lot to do, but I feel like my anxiety is much bigger than that. I told myself when I began blogging that I would never be fake with you guys. While I had planned to talk about a new workout I made today, I don’t know if I will even have the strength to workout today after not sleeping. I am hoping for an easier time tomorrow night. Until then, I will wait for the sun to come up and hopefully get an hour of sleep before class and work. I hope I will be strong enough to function.
Thanks for listening. I will talk to you guys tomorrow. <3
See ya~Kay
Kaylie, thank you so much for being open and honest with all of us. That alone, is jut fabulous. I too have the same problem. I used to be able to sleep through anything, go to bed whenever I felt like it, now I just feel as if my mind never truly shuts down. I try all the different tips out there, but most do not work. However, I have found that if you sing lullabies from when you were younger, it actually works (for me @least). I know it sounds ridiculous, but give it a try hunnie. Please do not apologize for not sharing a workout with us, and don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you may not squeeze in a workout. Today sounds like it’s a perfect rest day for you. Trust me, and trust your body… It will thank you in the end. <3
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You are just too sweet! I will have to try listening to some soothing music.
oh girl insomnia is no fun. I am sorry. anxiety is a bitch, insomnia can also be a cause of other things. i think if it has been going on for this long, time to see a doctor! you can’t live on that little sleep, never good.
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I know! I have a doctors appointment for Thursday, so I will be able to figure it out hopefully.
Anxiety is the beast that everyone must fight at one time or another, especially during the final year of college. Your life is at a huge turning point, which is inconvenient as you are also trying to take finals, finish your classes, do homework, get good grades, commute, work…there’s a lot of pressure and everyone deals with it in a different way. For me, it was head-splitting migraines that almost made me drop out (or at least drop a minor). For you, it’s insomnia. Both are caused by expecting too much of ourselves and letting our brains take off running 24-7. There comes a time when you just have to say to the cacophony raging on and on in your noggin “stop!” I’m not all too good at this myself, but I’m trying and it’s (sort of) helping.
You have so many questions and they are all so valid. Where will you be in a decade? 5 years? A year, even? I had a discussion with a friend yesterday about something similar. For someone who is in their 40s, days, years, decades can pass without any major changes. Same job, same commute, same grocery store, same house. For us? We’re in dog years: 6 months could be the difference between a life in the OC and a life in San Francisco, a “job” job and a dream job. So, if our paths and lives are so volatile, what’s the use of thinking so, so, so far ahead? You and I are planners, and that’s important and such an incredibly useful attribute to have, but you’ve done all the planning you can do at this stage. You’ve been planning for all the years you’ve been in school! Now, it’s time to take some paths and see where they take you. Nothing is ever set in stone, even if we plan our way. After the planning is done, after we ask all the questions of our future that we could ever ask, we still have to take that terrifying first step toward our goal. And you may hate it for awhile…I know I have. But you have to let all your experiences, the ones you love and the ones you hate, be the road signs to direct you on your path.
Sometimes, girl, you have to just breathe and say “que cera cera” because whatever is going to happen to you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day is going to happen. And you may not like it, but you’ll survive it and take just one more step toward something that will make you happy and fulfilled.
I’ve never had insomnia, just a smattering of anxious, sleepless nights, but I have had anxiety attacks. And I’ve never come out of them with answers to my 100 questions. And my guess is neither will you. But I’ve always found that asking myself “how important is it that I answer these questions now, at this moment?” helps a great deal–because the answer is usually “I can answer these tomorrow.” But you have to believe it. And you have to breathe. And you have to close your eyes, quiet the inner voices, and hear the calm.
Poof. You’re cured.
(Good luck, Kaylie. You’re an amazing person and I know you’ll find your way–just give yourself a little time!)
Elise, my love!!! This seriously made me cry! Thanks so much, you’re such a great friend!